April 24, 2007
~ Randomly...
I felt compelled to write you the email that I did. Because for that 70 minutes that we had lunch together, I felt connected with another human being.
(Before my dearest colleagues jump the gun on me, I do feel connected with them too. But mostly, it's within the work context. Which translates to, we need to go out, have 'family' outings more often. And soon. Very soon. After all, what is a family like ours without family outings to further excavate more complexities in our family tree?)
Anyway, let me get back to my lunch companion for today.
We knew each other since she was my age now. I trust there was a dark period of time, dark as life can be, many years ago, in her life. I didn't know what to do to help then. But I hope she knew that I was very concerned. And as I told her about my last exchange of emails with Kay today, over lunch, I was 20 blinks away from crying. In spite of that, or because of that, I felt understood. Because she let me go on. Again. About how difficult it has been and how torn and tired I feel. Most importantly, she said she thinks that some people never move on from a failed relationship if that was everything they believed in. And she made it sound like it's absolutely OK. Like it was as much a fact as the earth is round.
I felt moved, in a way. Amidst my complaints about not-so-intelligent clients and her stories of her not-so-polite x-coll, I felt I mattered even in this hazy bigger picture.
xxx
I think it's a good way to end a day when you think of something and you smile and just that split moment, life doesn't seem all that sucky.
xxx
I think it's a horrible way to end a day sobbing on your bed, thinking if you'd feel depressed enough to not go to work the next morning.
xxx
I think I need new pills. Been feeling emotionally unstable recently. I'm in the 'Maria' mood (the existential character in "The Accidental Woman"... I finished reading yesterday... in record-breaking time ever since I started working).
xxx
My Operations boss (commonly referred to as simply 'boss' here) is actually quite a nice boss.
boss: (walked over to my workdesk and waited for his presence to be acknowledged by me)
me: (decided to acknowledge his presence) Yes, sir?
boss: You are awfully quiet today leh.
me: (stumbled for an appropriate response, if there is one) Oh. Just because I don't go to your office and make noise, you think I'm very quiet eh?
boss: No lah... I'm just concerned mah. Are you OK or not?
me: (to say 'yes' or to say 'no'... hmm...) Ya. Ok.
boss: All ready for your focus group tonight?
me: Mm. (attempted a weak smile)
boss: Ok, good. (and walked away)
And in just the past week, he apologised twice to me. For work reasons. But reasons I didn't even deem required an apology.
Either he's being really nice 'cos he's afraid I'd join the trend of throwing resignation letters on his desk or it's been really obvious that I'm tired and moody. I think it's the latter.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:33